Good Bye 2009

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Charles Dickens

One of the major news websites had a headline last week that read "Good-bye 2009, we aren't going to miss you." The much maligned 2009, gone as quick as it came. On one hand it was a beast of a year, threatening and rearing, baring its teeth at our weaknesses. But God owned it, the One Who Cares, present whether or not I think He is, good even when I see no good, gracious even though I feel broken and weak. This year, this 2009, brought my husband and I to a feathered, cradled nest where we found rest and security in His goodness. We are grateful, incredulous at His care. I cannot express how cared for I have felt this year. Realizing as well that despite my ignorance, I have been this cared for all along. In high cotton, the good times, as well as in the beastly last year of the decade...... always cared for.

Last year, as 2009 was beginning, I chose a personal theme for my year. Nothing official but just a key word, one to work on. I chose "Fearless" because I am so stinking fearful. Fear has stopped me from so many things- fear of not doing things perfectly, fear of what others think of me, fear of danger, etc. The one I really wanted to deal with the most was the fear of what others thought of me. I realized that my relationship with the Lord was being suppressed by my fear and giving too much credence to what others considered the "right" way of doing things. I wanted to be serving Him, others through Him, but with the Lord being the first consideration. That was harder than I thought it would be. It wasn't long before I realized how strong my own desires were to live in that "safe zone" where no critic would notice me. I was appalled to realize the extent that I too, have unscriptural, non-Bible taught standards that I hold people to. Pride loves fear and the two are a formidable team. I thought "fearless" would mean I would be bold and strong, but it really meant I would see my own weaknesses and realize where they came from.

Pride, self and me.

I had no idea how the Lord would guide me through fear and how much I would need to learn dependence on Him. How He would wake me each day and put thanks on my lips and teach me to be grateful for the generous gifts he has given me. Fearless meant something so much bigger than I could have known at the beginning of the year. I thought it would be me overcoming fear. Me, strong, capable me. He showed me how weak I really am and how powerful He really is and I have loved it. I know 2009 was hard for us and millions of others. For all the disappointments and heart stopping moments in the past year, I am amazed at the fact that I cannot reiterate one of them, it reminds of the mother who has given birth in John 16:21, forgetting the pain of labor after the child is born. This year begins hopeful and promising- each year a new creation of His. He owned last year and He will own this year. He gives Great Gifts, Abundance, Fearlessness and Courage, we just need to accept them whether we recognize them or not.