Bokeh like grace.

My four children were not all together here today, so no pic of all four kids together. I had a great day with my boys getting hair trims, (as opposed to the more aggressive hair "cut"). Then home to the smell of pot roast (Ashley's recipe) cooking in the crockpot for dinner.

Later, I was greatly privileged to have an opportunity to run around the yard with my camera. The trees across the runway were ablaze in the afternoon light. I don't have a natural love for Fall or the coming of Winter. The dying trees dressing up so pretty just to have it all blow away. Skeleton trees left in the wake, grey and cold. I accept Fall because in it are the wonderful celebrations, thanksgiving, pumpkins, beautiful colors and new boots. And so I will photograph it, like a thief, taking advantage of those graces.

I opened this file (below) and saw the bokeh. That's the lovely light spots on the trees, forming little circles of light. I was not expecting to see it. After not being happy with my photos for so long now, I was a little choked up to see it. It felt so undeserved, this beauty in the background. I thought about grace and how I've struggled this past year with accepting being a working mom and how God has given me grace I never thought I would need.

I used to think it took grace to be always in the laundry, always changing diapers, refereeing fights between the ultra lightweights, being in the kitchen from 4:30-7:00, preparing, cooking, serving, cleaning. I was often frustrated and grace eluded me.

I had no idea then that it would take so much more grace to be living a life so different. Many mornings this past summer it felt surreal to be walking down the brick walkway, away from a home full of people that are mine. I hit the override button on those emotions almost every day and prayed for the grace to accept it, this new way of life. I found it easy to see the great things about my job, because there are many great things, but everyday I walked in the complete opposite direction of my hopes and dreams.

It was so easy to have grace when everything was as I liked it. I always loved being a stay at home mom, I appreciated how privileged I was and that I was living my dreams everyday. Even when told I wasn't privileged but rather doing what was right, I nodded....but I knew deep down that not all mothers were able to be at home. However, I failed miserably to appreciate the grace that would be needed should my life veer of in a direction that I hadn't planned. Even this special place, the journal of the things we experience as a family, came to be a reminder of the experiences we were now missing. On those difficult days, while I found peace in the verse "come to me all you that labor....", I did not know that that God already had something wonderful in store for me.

When God had plans for me to go back to work, He made sure it was for a special person. Therefore, when I asked for my hours to be permanently changed so I could arrive home everyday at the same time as the kids, the boss would readily agree with no reservations. I found myself thankful for something I had not thought I would ever have to ask for.

Back to bokeh.....this Christmas light bokeh is an orchestrated, easy-to-create bokeh. You can read here about why I took this picture. But today it reminds me of grace. What I used to perceive as grace- easy, cheap, man-made, artificial and convenient. Compared to the natural bokeh occurring below, soft and natural, an unexpected gift.

I'm still learning about this infinite thing called grace and how it is gifted to me as I need it, ever in His perfect increments.

Bokeh like grace.